Hi Pal! I’ve heard you’ve run away to join the circus. Aren’t you lucky you’ve got a day with your favourite circus performer, Horrible the Clown. Come spend a day behind the scenes to learn all about clowning. You will get to see the insanity that goes on behind the makeup. If you follow my lead, you’ll be a success. I’ve done so well for myself, I can freelance on the side. I’ve built a nice, big house, deep in the backwoods. Not everyone can appreciate a clown for a neighbour. Last house I had in town was burnt to the ground. I can take a hint.

First, it’s time to wake up. Nothing like getting hit in the face by an oversized rubber hammer. Boing! Ow, that hurts! Funny, eh? You laugh when I’m injured. That’s okay, it’s funny to see others get hurt. At least until they start vomiting blood.

Now it’s time for exercises like stretches. Gotta keep limber for all the mischief in store. Left arm, right arm, left leg, right leg, pull and twist, bend and bounce. Stretch your arm in a stabbing motion, move your body in a clubbing motion. Now for some cardio: jump rope, shadow boxing, butt kicks. We need to be fit in case we get run out of town.

Next is getting ready. First, I choose the wig. I like to pick the colour based on my mood. Red is for angry, orange for stab-y, green is for jealous, blue is for short-of-breath etc. Easy to remember, right? Once the wig is stapled to your head, it’s time for makeup. It’s okay to apply a fresh coat of paint over the cracked layer from yesterday. Like rings on a tree, more layers mean another day alive. Get the brush, dip it into the lead-free paint, and slowly move it down the side of a cheek, letting it drip down the neck. White paint stands for the innocence of youth. Paint on a red nose and round red cheeks in honour for the master we serve. Brightly coloured costumes to hide the filth. If the teeth look dull, I give them a thorough sharpening before I leave the house.

Next, a hearty breakfast. Can’t have a good day without a good breakfast. I chow on a full clown breakfast of rusty nails for iron, black mold to prevent scurvy, and swallow it down with the tears of lost children. Then I prepare a breakfast for my pets. They live in cages in the basement. They are on a strict diet so they can’t get too big or too strong. Dog Boy gets a gnawing bone and Cat Girl gets a mouse. Technically, they are not kids any more. I’ve had them for a long time. They’ve been house-broken and trained to behave so they don’t scream as much, just whimper once in a while. To make them feel better, I tell them their parents are coming to rescue them. When they don’t, to ease their disappointment, I tell them their parents couldn’t make it because I ate them. It’s such a funny joke. That’s how I gather their tears for my breakfast.

I go through my agenda for the month’s jobs, to see if I need to pick up any supplies. Balloons to make animal figures, a Ruger, arrows with steel tips. Don’t want to be accused of being an amateur. Swords for arm-cutting, axes for head-cutting. Each clown has their own set of skills, but the more things you can do, the more jobs you can book.

Today’s job was a six-year-old kid’s party on Rich Folks’ Lane. They wanted a pony, a bunny, and a couple of turtles. I made some balloon piranhas and grizzly bears. The kids had a great time seeing their parents mauled. Can never tell with those balloon animals. They’re wild and unpredictable. One time, I thought the shark was going to behave. Don’t know why I thought that. Spoiler: it didn’t.

The pony reared up and stampeded over the toddlers. The bunny bit the mom on the bum. The fire-breathing turtles burned down the shed. To escape, they dug a big hole. One kid fell in and they’re still looking for him.

It’s funny to see people getting hurt. Clown magic is a bit on the crazy side. It only wants to get laughs. There is no right or wrong. The floppy shoes trip the old ladies, the honking squeezy thing gives people surprise heart attacks, the plastic flowers shoot acid. Hope you weren’t too attached to your eyes.

I like to juggle grenades. Why not? Danger is the fun of it. I’ve only blown up a couple of faces. Skipping with pythons is also a great act. I told them the snakes weren’t real, but they stopped believing me after one swallowed the rabbit. I squeezed the python to regurgitate it back up, but the rabbit wasn’t the same. I had to ditch that party early and hide in the storm drain. I rather liked it down there.

Sometimes, I bring other props. Chainsaws, mallets, spears, whatever the job needs. I’m great at clean up as well and a pro with bleach. Blood stains are not a problem for me anymore.

After the job, I go back home for dinner. Dog Boy and Cat Girl never seem too happy to see me, though I feed them pretty regular. I’ve tried to teach them some tricks, but they rock and cry so much I’ve all but given up.

If I’m not too tired, I’ll go back to hide in the sewers. I peek through the drain cover and give ‘em a big smile. I love to add to my collection of arms. I’ve got all kinds of sizes. When I need to curate my collection, I feed the ones I no longer want to my pets. They’ll eat them when they get hungry enough.

Anyway, you wanted to run away and join the circus. Since it’s late, come stay over in my basement. No, I insist. I’ll show you a trick. You’ll laugh so hard, you’ll cry. It’s funny when we get hurt, isn’t it?

Editor’s Note

Who doesn’t love a clownish tale? I loved the playfulness of this one and I hope I did it justice when narrating it.

Read our interview with Lena here.